Christmas, 2373
She watched the condensation from her breath creep slowly across the small viewport, hiding her from the curious gaze of passing stars. A single command to the computer would have raised the ambient temperature, chasing away both the water molecules that danced across the screen and the chills that raced along her spine... yet she remained silent, drawing comfort from the evidence of her own continued existence.
Alone in the dark, with only a red giant as her witness, she was finally able to step out from behind the façade that had become her refuge in the months since her return. Moisture gathered beneath her closed lids until overflowing, the tears began to streak silently down her cheeks.
"What do you mean, you lost her?" Chakotay's voice was strained as he battled to keep his temper under control. "You lose a sock, a data padd ... or in your case, Paris, your mind ... but you don't lose the captain."
Tom's already pale face turned transparent as he backed away from the force of Chakotay's glare.
"Back off, old man..." B'Elanna stepped between the two adversaries, the frown on her face discouraging any dissent. "You know what she's like. We had the exits out of here guarded at all times and she still managed to slip past us."
As she spoke, Voyager's Chief Engineer cast her eyes over the heaving mass of bodies currently contained within Cargo Bay Two. Both holodecks were out of commission following their latest brush with death, forcing Neelix to relocate the annual Christmas extravaganza.
Unable to conjure a banqueting hall out of thin air, Neelix had been forced to improvise, concealing the dull grey decking of Voyager's smallest cargo bay beneath sparkling banners and a myriad of dancing lights that threatened to leave a permanent scar on B'Elanna's retinas.
The air was heavy with scented spices and something that smelt suspiciously like roasted leola root. Piped music attacked her eardrums from all sides, rendering normal conversation well nigh impossible.
No amount of music, however, could camouflage the fury in Chakotay's voice. Heads were already turning their way. Acting on impulse B'Elanna grabbed the two men and pushed them back through the crowd and out into the corridor beyond.
Blessed silence greeted them, the noise of the party reduced to a faint murmur that faded into oblivion as they moved down the corridor.
"Before you ask, internal sensors are still malfunctioning. The best estimate I can give you is two hours, and even then we'll only be able to scan one deck at a time."
"Chakotay..." The voice was Tom's, cutting through the mist that had descended upon his mind the moment he realised she'd slipped through his fingers once again. "...she'll be fine. It's been a rough year for her, first getting stranded on some godforsaken planet for three months with only you for company..."
The corners of Chakotay's mouth twitched at the implied insult.
"Then there was her near death experience at the hands of that alien. Add to that the fact that she had to repel Q 's advances and you have a recipe for disaster. Can you blame her for wanting a little time to herself?"
"She's had time, Tom..."
"Commander Chakotay!" Ensign Wildman hesitated for a moment, reluctant to intrude in what was obviously a very personal conversation. She kept her voice soft for fear of waking the slumbering child in her arms.
"Forgive me, but I couldn't help overhearing." Samantha paused for a moment, her gaze flitting anxiously from one person to another. "I think I know where the Captain is..."
Lost in her own thoughts, it took her a while to register the fact that she was no longer alone.
"Chakotay." Neither a question nor a statement, the word slipped softly from her lips.
He could barely see her, curled up on the floor beside the solitary viewport. Starlight danced over her features, lingering over the tear stained tracks that marred her pale complexion. Sitting as she was, with her knees clasped tightly to her chest and her head resting against the viewport she seemed a world away from the captain who'd fearlessly faced down the Kazon.
Instead, he was reminded of that night on New Earth when her dreams had come crashing down around her. His body remembered how she felt, cradled in his arms as the storm raged around them. But this wasn't New Earth... and he no longer had the right to hold her.
"You're missing a great party."
He kept his voice light as he slowly picked his way over to her. The space was severely limited, forcing him to cram his broad frame into a narrow crevice between the wall and one of the many storage containers hidden in the shadows.
"How did you find me?"
She kept her gaze fixed on the stars that streaked past the portal, her thoughts focused on suppressing the telltale tingling that assailed her limbs whenever her first officer drew near. Lately all she had to do was think about him and the tips of her fingers started to tingle, sending shock waves up her arms and straight into her heart.
"First Officer's prerogative."
He played his cards like a professional gambler, adding just enough smugness into his reply to assure a response that stopped somewhere short of her pushing him out of the nearest airlock.
"Let's just say a concerned crewmember mentioned coming across you one night when they were carrying out a diagnostic on the environmental controls."
"Ahh." Kathryn smiled. "Thank Ensign Wildman for her concern but I'm fine... I just needed a little time to myself."
"How did you...?"
"Captain's prerogative."
"Touché."
Chakotay sat back, savouring the closeness of the moment and the welcome return of the gentle banter that had blossomed during their time away from Voyager. It had been one of the first casualties of their unexpected return as both officers had struggled to adapt to the changing circumstances. With a heavy heart he'd watched as Kathryn rebuilt her defences, ruthlessly suppressing her emotions until he'd lost sight of the woman beneath the uniform.
Until tonight...
A dull ache in the small of his back alerted Chakotay to the fact that he was getting a little to old to go crawling around in such confined spaces without suffering the consequences. Unwilling to disturb Kathryn any more than necessary he turned slightly, and in doing so dislodged the object he'd brought with him from the party.
Kathryn watched amused as the parcel slipped through his fingers, hitting the ground with a dull thud. Just then the ship lurched slightly, rocking the parcel off-balance and sending it rolling across the decking until it rested at her feet.
"What's this?"
"Your present. You left before I could give it to you."
Chakotay watched fascinated as her face lit up. If he didn't know better he'd have sworn she was blushing. Her hands hovered over the brightly wrapped gift as if uncertain how to proceed. For a moment he wondered if she'd refuse it, citing some obscure protocol as an excuse for isolating herself from him. But she surprised him. With trembling fingers she slowly pulled back the wrapping paper, careful not to tear the delicate sheets of tissue paper.
Leaning closer he held his breath as she stared in amazement at the gift lying open before her.
"What is it?"
"Some kind of primate, I believe. I couldn't help but notice how fond you were of ..."
"You gave me a soft toy..."
She squeezed the soft fur, running her fingers through it as if memorising its texture. For the first time in months a spontaneous smile burst from her lips as she buried her face in the soft belly of the toy. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to transfer those actions to her first officer. Her fingers itched to brush away the silver threads at his temple that marked the passage of time as clearly as any calendar.
"Thank you."
He let out the breath he hadn't realised he was holding. For a moment he'd sworn she was going to reach out to him then she pulled back, her eyes clouding over as the Captain reasserted herself.
"Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked.
He was rewarded with another smile, this one a little more tentative, but no less precious than the last.
"Hold me?"
Editor's Note: I thought it worth mentioning that numerous members of JCUK actually own a SKOP soft toy, after we found the perfect candidates in the Rainforest Cafe gift shop after one of our meets. In fact, they have also been given as gifts, both to J/Cers in other parts of the world and to Kate Mulgrew herself! So big thanks to Morag for managing to get the SKOP soft toy into a fic!
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