Disclaimer: I’ll say it again, the characters aren’t
mine, blah, blah, blah…
Summary: More musings from our dear Captain…
After Image
It happened again today, it was the clothes this time.
OK, not just the clothes – the height was right, the hair was the right
colour, so I jumped to conclusions. Or
rather, my heart did - I think I actually felt it skip a beat.
But it wasn’t him.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s actually Chakotay that I miss,
or the ‘idea’ of him. Seeing
him around, knowing how he felt, how I felt.
I haven’t actually seen him for three months now, it’s probably
nearer six months since we managed to hold a decent conversation. But still I keep thinking I see him as I walk down the
street, when I’m waiting for transport, staring out of the window at work…
He must be constantly on my mind whether it’s consciously or not.
But I’ll say again, what is it that I miss?
I can’t answer that until I actually do see him.
How else am I to know whether I’m still in love with him, whether I
miss him. I’d like to meet
anyone who could look me straight in the eyes and say it’s not nice to know
that someone loves you, even if you can’t or won’t do anything about it.
Maybe it’s that feeling that I’m missing, knowing that someone
is around, that someone cares. Maybe
that’s why I want to see him so much, so much that I’m projecting his image
onto anyone and everyone that bares even the smallest resemblance to him. Maybe it’s just because I’m feeling lonely.
To be honest, I have no reason to believe that Chakotay
still felt the same way, even the last time I did see him.
It’s not that we parted on bad terms, more that we just hadn’t talked
for so long we really didn’t know what to say to each other.
This whole fuss could be for nothing.
When I do see him he could be with someone, even married.
Even if he is single, I don’t know that either of us will want to start
a relationship with each other. So
why am I still thinking about him? Why
can’t it be him, just once… Why can’t it be him?
***
It’s him! This
time, it really is him! Certain
things can be replicated – the clothes, the hair, even his tattoo could be
found elsewhere – unlikely, but possible.
But that smile? The one that
I always imagined was reserved for me? I
couldn’t mistake that, never. It’s
him, and he’s coming towards me.
And I still love him.
I don’t have to speak to him to know that.
What I felt in my heart every time I thought it was him and it wasn’t
– nothing compared to this. So long, so long without seeing him, hearing his voice, and
he’s here, he’s here…
I think I need a coffee.
***
He’s gone. He’s gone, but it’s alright! We’re going out tonight, our first date! I can’t quite believe it’s worked out so well. Whatever it was that kept us from talking before seems to have worked itself out, we were able to laugh and joke with an ease we haven’t felt for years. Maybe the time apart was what we needed to clear the air, put whatever it was into perspective. I don’t care though, not anymore. I have what I want, and I know what I was missing.
Not the idea, but him.
Chakotay.
THE END
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