Disclaimer: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything!

Summary: Kathryn considers her romantic relationships.

Finally Kathryn

By LauraJo, February 2001
E-mail: laura@laurajo.net

It's funny, really, the difference what someone calls you can make. Different incarnations of the same name carry different personalities - something that has really been brought home to me recently. 

I remember the days I had with Justin. His 'Little Kat', that's who I was then. Our shared experiences escaping the Cardassians had brought us together, but they had also brought out a very protective streak in Justin. It was his nature, and probably also my short stature, but it also had a little to do with our ages. He was older than me, and to him it mattered. He felt more experienced with the world, and specifically with Starfleet, so he saw me as his little Kat whom he had to shield from the horrors that our work brought us into contact with. In the end, he couldn't shield me from the horror that our relationship faced me with, but I wouldn't have wanted him to; it wasn't *me*. I'm independent, always have been, and had that relationship carried on for much longer it would have stifled me. I see that now. I'm not Kat.

Kath - that's who I became when I started seeing Mark. Though we'd known each other when we were kids, it was so different when we met up again after all those years. The vulky boy I had always known as Hobbes had grown into the successful man that I came to know as Mark. I suppose we had both changed since we were younger, maybe that's what made him start to call me Kath. 'Mark and Kath' worked as a couple, but 'Mark and Kathryn' didn't. It's that independence thing again. 'Kathryn' wanted to travel the quadrant in a starship, to make new discoveries every day, but Mark wanted a nice family life and a wife who was there for him. He told me time and again that he could see us happy that way; but he was talking to Kath. It wasn't me, I'm not Kath. I sometimes doubt I ever was.

Katie O'Clare, now there's an interesting one. Michael was a sweet man, but what was I thinking?! 'Delete the wife' indeed, would I ever want to do that if he were real? That's the point though, he wasn't real, and neither was Katie. It became only too clear when Michael found out who I really was that it wasn't me he'd fallen in love with. And truthfully, I hadn't fallen in love with him either. But we had fun, and that was what Katie wanted.

After Michael. Well, after Michael... there was Tom. Tom Paris. I never saw that one coming, and apparently neither did B'Elanna - that's something I will always regret. I won't regret the time Tom and I spent together though. Names were a funny one here, Tom took a while to get used to calling me anything but 'Captain'. He settled on a simple 'K' in the end, which suited our simple relationship. We always knew where we stood, and it worked that way. But again, I have to ask myself - was that really me? 'K' loved to have fun on the holodeck, to run free on shore leave, and yes, she enjoyed the physical pleasures, but there was nothing more to it than that. Kathryn needed more, *I* needed more, and so the relationship burnt itself out. K fell into the shadows, and to my relief B'Elanna is back in the picture. It seems I'm not the only one to detach 'K' from 'Kathryn', as our friendship is also back on track. That may have more to do with another factor though, the most important factor in my life...

Chakotay.

With Chakotay, I am myself. He truly knows me as no other. He knows my faults, he's dealt with them for more years than I'd care to count now. He's seen me at my lowest, and when I'm so happy I could fly. And he's seen me through other relationships. He saw me as 'Katie', as 'K', and he stood by me as a friend. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for him. And after all that he was there for me, waiting when I was finally ready to make that leap and receive him fully into my life. With Chakotay the 'happily ever after' can be a reality, because the expectations are based on the way we are together *and* apart. With Chakotay I can be me, I can be myself, and he loves me that way. He wants me that way. He needs me that way. We are happy that way.

With Chakotay, I am finally Kathryn.

THE END

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