Disclaimer: Paramount = Universe, I = something very small and insignificant.

Summary: What if someone else wanted to remember... A story set straight after the events in Unforgettable.  I found most of this the other day on my hard drive.  I started it way back in December 1998 but never finished it, so I worked on it a bit more and here it is!

Something To Remember

By LauraJo, December 1998 - January 2000
E-mail: laura@laurajo.net

    Prologue

Kathryn,

You won’t want to believe this, so let me tell you, you DID write this.  Have the handwriting analysed by the computer if it will make you feel better, and knowing you like I do (I am you after all) you will.  Do you believe me yet?  If not, I don’t know what to do to convince you.  Read this and see if it isn’t how you would feel about the events I describe.  I’m writing this on paper because all computer records of the last few days will be erased before morning.  This was the only way I could think of to make sure something survived.

Well, where to start.  I guess the beginning would be a good place, especially as I won’t remember this very soon.  A week or so ago a woman called Kellin came aboard Voyager.  She requested asylum, saying that the people of her planet would try to return her to her world.  She said a tracer would be after her.  Her people are a very xenophobic race, and go to great lengths to avoid contacts with other species. All memories and computer records of their existence will be wiped.  It is for this reason that you won’t remember the events I am describing, but as I said before they did happen.

Anyway, the important thing I want to talk about is not the threat to security that her people posed – I expect Tuvok will write a report, in much the same way I am, describing in great detail the possible threat their technology presents.  I am more interested in the effect this had on me personally.  More specifically, the effect Kellin had on Chakotay.  She chose to ask us in particular for asylum because she had been aboard Voyager before, and while here she claimed she and Chakotay had fallen in love.  This appears to be true, as the same has happened again.

I am writing to tell you that you don’t want this to happen a third time.  I never realised how much it would hurt if Chakotay did finally move on and start a relationship with someone else.  You may believe that you want this to happen.  You don’t.  It hurts.  More than I want to admit.  My message?  Tell him how you feel.  The crew won’t mind, and if they do?  They can live with it.  Living with a captain in love would be much easier than living with an unhappy captain, which is what they’ll get if you allow this to happen again.  I was actually happy when the tracer found Kellin and I realised life was going back to what we had before.  I felt guilty of course – I was celebrating the same event that was causing Chakotay so much pain.  But my selfish side took over, and now I want to make sure I never go through that pain again if I can prevent it.  It may also prevent Chakotay suffering any such pain again – that is if he still feels the same way about me.  I hope so, otherwise all this is going to be for nothing.  I don’t know how to tell him, all I know is that you shouldn’t waste any more time.  Do it now.

K.

*****

Kathryn,

I’m sorry.  I don’t know what else to say.  I feel like I should be writing down what happened over the last few days so that I remember, but all I find myself wanting to do is apologise for how much I hurt you.  You’ll probably deny it, but I know you too well.  I recognised that expression as your attempt to hide from the crew how much my actions were affecting you.  What am I saying?  You won’t remember this any more than I will.  I suppose I’d better start from the beginning after all.

For the past week or so, we’ve had a visitor on board.  Kellin.  She’s a member of an extremely xenophobic race, and she requested asylum on Voyager.  She claimed to have chosen us due to a past relationship with me.  I remembered nothing of it, but as time went by I began to feel a strong attraction towards her.  I guess I was filled with this romantic story she was telling, and I believed myself to be in love with her.  It wasn’t real.  I know that now – the content of this letter kind of proves it.

Anyway, Kellin’s race are eliminated from the memories of those they meet by some natural chemicals, and they leave a virus in computers to erase all record of their existence.  That’s why this letter is written on paper.  I want it to survive.  I know that if I just let us forget about it you will not be hurt by the events, and there will be no need for my apology.  But if I do that it is possible that the same thing will happen again, this time involving a race that doesn’t mind being remembered.  I’d lose you forever, and I don’t want that to happen.  So just understand that I’m sorry, and I’m here for you when you are ready.  I know that you care, I only hope that you can find it in yourself to love me, as I love you.

I promise I will not pressure you in any way, just promise me that you will think about what I have written.

All my love, now and forever,

C.

Part 1

Kathryn Janeway woke up with a start to the sound of her alarm.  She felt drained, and she had absolutely no idea why.  Nothing even remotely exciting seemed to be happening at the moment.  What wouldn’t she give for a nice spacial anomaly to investigate right now?

She got up and dressed before lack of any interest in the day ahead caused her to just turn over and go back to sleep.  As she approached her desk, she noticed a piece of paper on it that she didn’t remember seeing before.  Her curiosity peaked, she picked it up and started to read.

*****

Chakotay awoke just before his chronometer was set to awaken him, and he slowly made his way to the bathroom to shower and dress.  On his way, he noticed a piece of paper lying on the floor in the main part of his quarters.  Bending to pick it up he noticed that it was a letter, addressed to Kathryn, written in his own handwriting.  But he didn’t remember writing it.  If it weren’t for the strange sense of agreement he felt for the sentiments expressed in the manuscript, he probably would have thrown it into the recycler and gotten on with his day.  As it was, he decided to deliver the letter to its intended recipient, and sooner rather than later.

*****

Kathryn put down the paper in shock.  She knew that she had written it – the author seemed to know just what tests she would perform to confirm the identity of the narrator, and these same tests had concluded that it was her handwriting.  Yet she didn’t want to believe it.  She didn’t know whether ‘it’ was that she had written the letter, or that Chakotay had fallen in love with someone else, but she didn’t want to believe 'it' all the same.  What was she going to do?  Ignore the letter, or do what it told her?  Did she want to do what it told her?  Stupid question, of course she did, she just didn’t believe that she could.  What was she thinking?  She obviously thought she could when she wrote the letter, whenever that was.  Her train of thought was interrupted by her door chime.  She knew who it was instinctively – her thinking time was over.

“Come in Chakotay!”

Chakotay walked in, holding a piece of paper much like the one in Kathryn’s hand.

“Kathryn, I need to talk to you.  It’s important.  You probably won’t believe this, but I wrote it down and I really think you should read it.  I came over to give it to you before I lost my nerve…”

Throughout Chakotay’s rambling Kathryn was finding it hard to keep a straight face.  By the time he mentioned losing his nerve she had lost her control completely and started to giggle.

“Kathryn, I’m here making what is probably the most important speech of my life and all you can do is laugh?”

“I’m sorry Chakotay, but here, read this.”  At that Kathryn handed her letter to Chakotay, and he started to read.  He had also handed his letter to Kathryn.

The transformations each of their facial expressions went through whilst reading their respective letters gave no small clue as to how each was feeling about the content.  Chakotay’s face lit up like a super nova, although it was a gradual process – it took a while for what he was reading to sink in.  Kathryn, on the other hand, was moved to tears.  She had begun to believe that she had been too late, that Chakotay no longer loved her.  The fact that all he had been able to think about during the last moments of his memories of Kellin was to apologise to her moved her deeply.  She was left speechless.  She put the letter down on her coffee table and moved towards Chakotay.  He had finished reading first, and had been watching her as she took in what she was reading.  As soon as he read the expression on her face, he swept her up in a crushing embrace.

“I love you, Chakotay.”

“Kathryn, I’m so sorry.  Can you forgive me?”

“You have nothing to be sorry about – it’s not as if I had ever let you know how I felt.”

And with that she reached up and initiated their first kiss.

True to tradition, they were interrupted by the door chime.

“Tuvok.”

A statement, in unison, before Kathryn collapsed into giggles in Chakotay’s arms.

Part 2

Chakotay gave the order to enter, as his companion was in no fit state to say anything intelligible.  At the sight of his Captain giggling in her First Officer’s arms, Tuvok’s somewhat predictable response was the customary raised eyebrow, and the single word statement,

“Curious.”

This set Kathryn off again despite the fact that she had been calming down, and Chakotay was not far behind her.  If it was possible, Tuvok’s eyebrow rose further towards his hairline.  When she finally calmed down enough to think, Kathryn pulled away from Chakotay and asked what brought Tuvok to her quarters half an hour before their duty shift began. 

“Well Captain, Commander,” Tuvok began, “I believed that what I had to tell you was too important to wait, and that I must see if you gave any credence to the truth of this matter before I raised it in front of the rest of the senior staff.  When I awoke this morning I found this piece of paper lying on my desk.  It details an account of an alien intrusion which seems to have left no record in our computer banks, and which I have no personal memory of either.”

“I was wondering how long it would take before you brought that over,” Kathryn replied with a grin.  “Let me guess, the account is obviously written by your own hand, yet you have no memory of actually writing it, am I correct?”

“Yes, Captain.  I am confused, how did you…”

“Chakotay and I both did the same thing, although I would still like to take some time to read over your report before the staff briefing this morning.”

“A wise course of action, Captain.  Perhaps I should also look over yours and the Commander’s reports?”

“Ah, I don’t think that will be necessary Tuvok, I doubt they have much in them that you need to know.”

Throughout this exchange Chakotay was keeping a remarkably straight face.

“On the contrary, I have often observed that when we write reports on the same event, we often record different aspects of the subject.  It would therefore help to build a bigger picture if we were each to read all of the reports available.”

“As usual, the logic of your statement is quite sound, but in this case I don’t think it will serve any useful purpose.”

“Should I remind you that as Voyager’s Chief of Security it is my duty to have all the available information concerning any possible threats?”

“I know, but there won’t be any further information in our reports.  They were…of a personal nature.”

"How so?"

At this point Chakotay stepped in.  "You must have written about Kellin in your report."

At the mention of her name, Chakotay saw a flicker of emotion cross Kathryn's face before she pushed it away, and he placed a reassuring hand on her arm.

"Yes, Commander.  She was the member of the alien race who at first infiltrated the ship, and later requested asylum."

"That is correct.  But did you also mention the relationship that grew between Kellin and myself?"

"I did mention something of the matter, as I believed that your feelings were affecting your judgement of this matter.  While we are speaking of the personal feelings her presence on Voyager provoked, I also noticed that the Captain seemed a little...out of sorts."

"Yes, well what you have described and the underlying feelings behind the reactions were the basis of the letters we each wrote, and they therefore have little information relevant to the security of the ship."

"I couldn't have put it better myself, Chakotay."

"In the light of what you have just described, would I be right in assuming that these 'letters' were the precipitant for the increased closeness that you are exhibiting now?"

"I think so."  Janeway replied to Tuvok's last question while looking straight into Chakotay's eyes.

"In that case, I can see that I am intruding.  I apologise, and will see you on the bridge."  With that, Tuvok left.

"I can't believe it, not even a hint of disapproval."

"Do you really think he would say so in front of you, Chakotay?  If he has anything to say he'll approach me on my own, try and 'reason with me'."

"You've got me worried now.  Why did you have to go and say that?"

"Don't worry, he won't disapprove.  And even if he did, it wouldn’t make any difference.  Now, we only have twenty minutes before duty and I'm nowhere near ready.  Can I see you on the bridge?"

"Of course."  With that, Chakotay gave her a quick kiss and left.

Part 3

The Captain arrived on the bridge that morning with a considerable spring in her step, considering how exhausted she'd been when she'd first woken.  This didn't go unnoticed by the rest of the bridge crew either.  Tuvok of course knew the reason for her upbeat mood, but to the rest of them it was a complete mystery.  Most were inclined to put it down to a good night's sleep and a strong dose of caffeine.  That is, until the Commander turned up in just the same mood.  That set Tom's mind racing.  He just knew that he was in for a large deposit of replicator rations.  The problem was, how was he going to prove it?

Tom didn't have a lot of time to hash out a plan, as a staff meeting was called almost as soon as the last person stepped onto the bridge for duty.  Everyone filed into the briefing room, and Janeway called them all to order.

"Right, I'm going to forego the usual reports this morning - I still want them on my desk to read through and check everything's OK, but for this meeting I believe we have something more important to discuss."  This got everyone's attention, because as far as they were aware nothing of any interest had happened on the ship for at least a week, so what could be important enough to overshadow the Captain's beloved reports?

"Captain?"

"Yes, B'Elanna?"

"Umm, excuse me for being blunt but what exactly has happened recently that we need to discuss?  As far as I can remember the last few weeks have been pretty dull."

"That's part of what we need to discuss."

"I beg your pardon - what's part of what we need to discuss?"

"Tom, if you'll just let me finish.  I assume none of you remember anything out of the ordinary occurring in the last, say, 48 hours?"

"Captain, could you get to the point?"

"Tom, I know we're not exactly close to Starfleet right now but I would appreciate some amount of respect for when others are talking.  You know, the whole 'don't interrupt when someone else is speaking' thing!"

"Sorry Captain."

"Right, well, if no-one remembers anything then I think I'll hand over to Tuvok to explain what this meeting is all about."

Tuvok then proceeded to explain the details of the encounter with Kellin to the best of his knowledge, while the rest of the senior staff listened in complete amazement.  Something in particular caught Tom's attention, though.  He couldn't help but read something in the tone in which Tuvok spoke about Kellin and Chakotay, that there was more there than his words suggested.  Oh he knew that Tuvok was a Vulcan and all, and there wasn't supposed to be any feeling there or anything much from which to read an underlying message, but Tom had a hunch they weren't being told the whole truth.  Janeway's reaction at the mention of Kellin just clinched it - all it took was that command mask to slip for a nanosecond and it was obvious that something about this woman was bothering the Captain.

Tuvok finished his narrative and was followed by Chakotay.

"What we want is to know how Kellin and her people managed to get onto Voyager without us knowing about it to begin with.  Harry, I want you to work with B'Elanna to try and find out if there is anything we can do to improve our sensors, so that there is less chance of people getting through undetected again.  Seven may also be of use in this area - there may be some element of Borg technology that can be applied here.  Look into it.  Apart from that I want you all to check that you didn't leave yourself a letter describing the events.  The Captain, Tuvok and I all wrote something down on paper so that it would survive the computer wipe.  Maybe some of you did too and you just haven't found them yet.  Any extra information would be useful.  Captain?"

"Yes, I'd just like to finish by asking you to keep this to yourselves for while.  I will eventually be letting the crew know what happened, but I think investigating the matter will be easier if we aren't being asked constant questions.  Tell whoever you need to in order to do your jobs, but otherwise, sit on it.  OK, that's all.  Dismissed."

*****

The rest of the day passed by much as any other.  Reports were written, reports were read, and Voyager continued uneventfully but steadily towards the Alpha Quadrant.  No more hand-written notes were found, but Kathryn honestly didn't expect any more to exist.  No one else really had such a compelling reason to write one.  The requested improvements to the sensors were under investigation, but as of yet no concrete ideas had been put forward.  Not that B'Elanna, Harry and Seven hadn't been working non-stop on the problem all day - even Seven seemed glad when it was time for shift-change.

Less than half an hour later, Tom, B'Elanna and Harry were gathered at their usual table in the mess hall.  Tonight, however, Tom seemed particularly pumped up.

"Tom what is wrong with you tonight?  You're acting like you've taken some kind of happy pill!"

"None of you saw it did you?"

"Saw what, Tom?"  Harry was just as intrigued by Tom's mood as B'Elanna.

"Them!  The Captain and Chakotay.  There was something different about them all day.  Something about that visit from Kellin has brought them together, I'm sure of it."

"Come on, Tom.  You haven't actually seen anything concrete, have you?  And how many times have you tried to convince us that they're together before?  Well, I'm not going to buy it this time."

B'Elanna had barely got her last word out when the mess hall doors opened to admit their commanding officers,  holding hands.  They walked over to Neelix and started a conversation with him, but without taking any food.  B'Elanna was seated with her back to the door, so she had yet to see them.

"B'Elanna, would you care to make a little wager on that?  If we can't prove it by the end of tonight, then you get all my replicator rations for the next week.  If we can prove it, I get yours."

"Done."

"Good.  Turn around."

B'Elanna looked behind her, and turned back to Tom with an incredulous expression on her face.

"That bet is null and void!  You could see them behind me all the time, couldn't you?  That's not fair, and I won't pay up."

"Hey, I could say a bet's a bet, but I'm in a good mood so I'll let you off.  You believe me now though?"

"Yes I believe you."

Kathryn and Chakotay now started to head towards them, and as they grew near enough Tom asked them to join them.

"Captain, Commander, good to see you *together*!  Why don't you join us?"

"Thanks Tom, but I think we'll leave you to count your winnings alone."

"What winnings?"

"Come on, I'm the Captain, and I know everything that goes on on my ship.  And that's all I'm going to say."

With that, Kathryn and Chakotay left the mess hall, leaving a speechless Tom in their wake, and headed back to Kathryn's quarters for a quiet evening together.  After a replicated meal washed down with a bottle of wine Chakotay had picked up during his last shore leave, they danced to some music picked out together from Voyager's musical database and then curled up together on the bed, just talking.  Before long Kathryn drifted off to sleep contented, and Chakotay wasn't far behind her.

Epilogue

Chakotay awoke the next morning to the most beautiful sight he had ever seen - his Kathryn lying asleep beside him.  Slowly and carefully, so as not to wake her, he rose and crept out into her living area to replicate some breakfast.  On his way through the room he saw another piece of paper lying on the coffee table. Picking it up, he began to read...

Chakotay,

I know you remember because I stayed with Voyager for a while to see what happened to you all, and it's because I know that you remember that I can tell you this now.  I saw you write the letter to Captain Janeway, and I heard you lie to Neelix about what you were writing.  I also heard you ask him why it didn't happen a second time for me.  I can answer that now.  It didn't need to happen a second time - I never forgot.  For some reason the memory wipe didn't work on me, but I pretended it did.  I did that for you.  I knew about your feelings for the Captain, and I knew that you were kidding yourself about your feelings for me.  When I realised I wasn't forgetting, I saw it as an opportunity to help you, to help both of you.  I saw how the Captain's reactions to me changed once she realised what was going on, even if you didn't, and it was then that I realised that if I stayed it would only end up with all three of us being unhappy.

I hope you can understand why I did this.  If I had seen the same thing the first time I had been on Voyager I never would have come back.  Now all I can do is wish you both happiness for the future, and hope for myself that I can find happiness back on my own world.

Good luck on your journey, may you get to where you desire.

All my love,

Kellin.

THE END

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