See Part One for disclaimer, etc.

Same Time, Next Year - Part Four

By LauraJo, July 1999 - February 2000

E-mail: laura@laurajo.net

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2382 - England

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If you'd have asked her a year ago she wouldn’t have believed it possible, but Kathryn walked up to the cottage door this time more unsure of herself than she had been even then. Of course, this time she knew exactly what the reason was. And Chakotay was about to find out.

He opened the door before she had even reached up to knock so she didn't even have the last few minutes she needed to prepare herself. There before her was her judge and jury, and his first words didn’t help her much.

"Kathryn, it's good…pregnant?"

"Hi to you too. Can I come in?"

"Yes, of course. Here, sit down. Can I get you anything?"

"No, it's OK. I have a feeling we need to talk. How about giving me a kiss first?"

"But Kathryn, you're…"

"I know that! You think I didn't notice or something? Give me some credit, I've been walking around like this for over eight months!"

"You mean you're almost due?"

"Not that near, I've got three weeks to go yet."

"Still, shouldn't you be with Mark just in case?"

"Jackie and Kathryn came as normal, so I left as normal. Aside from that, I wanted to see you. I needed to tell you about the baby personally. I know our mutual friends seem to be keeping quiet as far as telling us about each other is concerned, but this is big and I was worried someone would let it slip. There is no way I wanted you hearing second hand."

"Well you got it your way about that. I can safely say that I didn't have a clue until I opened the door."

"So how do you feel about it?"

"I'd love to say I'm happy for you and leave it at that, but I can't. I mean, I am happy for you, but…I imagined seeing you like this so many times over the years, but it was never Mark's baby."

"I know, it was the same for me. Maybe not so much during Samantha's pregnancy, but during the other two on Voyager I couldn't stop imagining what it would feel like to carry your child…"

"I never knew."

"I never meant you to."

"I still can't believe you're here with me when you're carrying another man's child - your husband's child!"

"Chakotay, I love you…"

"Don't say that!"

"Why not? Because I'm pregnant? That doesn't change the way I feel about you, and I'll say it all I want to."

"What if the baby can hear you?"

"Then it can hear me. I don't plan on lying to my child, about anything."

"You're going to tell your child you're in love with a man who is not their father?"

"If asked, yes. My child will hear about you one day. Voyager was a big part of my life, and I can't talk about it without mentioning you at some point. If I get asked about you, I'll answer honestly. It's the only thing I can do."

"I don't know what to say to that."

"Don't say anything then. I think we need a change of subject. How about you kick off with your best and worst moments from this year."

"Why not? Let me think, the best was…oh yes, I know now. I took Helen on a walk that I often took as a child. There's a really gentle slope that takes you high up and you end up looking into the mouth of a huge canyon. It's unbelievable really, you don't realise how high you've climbed until you emerge from the bushes, and then the view is amazing. Helen loved it. I was so happy that she seemed to get as much pleasure out of the view as I did. When she first saw it…it was a perfect moment in time."

"Sounds wonderful."

"The worst wasn't so good, but I suppose that's fairly obvious. Helen burnt some of my holopics from New Earth."

"She did what?!?"

"You heard me, don't ask me to repeat it. We were having the most almighty row. She found me in our bedroom as I was sorting through some things from Voyager. Well, more specifically, I was looking through a box of stuff I have that is all indirectly linked to you. She didn't know I had it, but she did know as soon as she saw it what the link between it all was. A peace rose, that miniature painting of my ship you gave me one year for my birthday, holopics of the bathtub and the headboard I carved on New Earth - she'd have had to have been blind not to see it. As you can imagine she got quite angry. She started saying all these things about how I should forget about you. How you never loved me, it was all on my side, and it didn't matter because I was never going to see you again anyway. What could I do? I couldn't tell her the truth, that actually you did love me as much as I love you and that I now saw you on the weekends I spent on Earth each year. So I just took it all silently and that got her even madder. She grabbed the pictures from my hand and ran downstairs with them. By the time I caught up with her they were on the fire, and there was nothing I could do. Of course she apologised, but I just couldn't forgive her. Not then, anyway. I know why she was upset, but all I could think about is that she'd destroyed some of the only momentos I had from that time. It still hurts."

"I'm so sorry. You do have one momento from then, though."

"What's that?"

"Me."

This time when she leant over to kiss him he didn't refuse, and the kiss continued until they broke apart, breathless.

"So, what about you? What were your best and worst moments?"

"The best is easy - when I told Mark that I was pregnant. I'm sorry, Chakotay, you probably don't want to hear this."

"No, it's OK. I'd like to know."

"If you're sure?" He nodded. "Alright. Mark got home from a long day at work and just collapsed on the sofa. I'd been on shore leave for just over a week and only had two days left before beginning another month in space, so I'd decided I'd better tell him that night. I cooked us a meal…"

"I thought you couldn't cook!"

"Don't interrupt!  And I only said I 'hated' to cook, not that I can't.  Where was I…oh yes, I cooked us a meal, his favourite, and decorated the table with candles and flowers.  I called him through and we ate the meal in a companionable silence.  Then I told him I had something to tell him.  I lead him over to the sofa and sat him down beside me, then I took his hand and placed it on my stomach.  Then I told him.  His face lit up so quickly it almost made me laugh.  I'd just made him so happy with just a few little words.  I've never experienced anything else like it."

"You have no idea how jealous I am."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting you through this. I wish it had been you as well, but it's not. We made our decision."

"And we will live with it. We haven't any other choice now."

"Let me tell you the worst thing from this year, and maybe you won't be so jealous! I've been really horrible to Mark. Sometimes I'm yelling at him because he's not doing enough, other times it's because he's doing too much. The worst thing about the last few months is definitely that he's been coddling me. I can't do anything without him asking me if it's good for the baby. That wouldn't be too bad in itself, if it weren't for what he said one day whilst trying to get me to take maternity leave earlier than I'd planned. I was refusing to even consider stopping work before I had to. You know me, I'd go crazy if left with nothing to do for too long. Well, Mark had the gall to turn around and say that Jackie had given up work as soon as they had found out she was pregnant! After all that's happened, with their divorce being down to me and everything, how on Earth could he compare me to her and want me to be more like her? I almost walked out then and there. What I did do was probably unforgivable, but I was so mad. I ran up the stairs and screamed at him that I wished it was your baby. I actually told him that! I'm surprised he didn’t kick me out after that. Instead he went for a walk, and he didn’t come up to our bed that night. The whole thing was horrible, and I do regret what I said to him, even if I did mean it."

"Has he said anything to you about it since?"

"No. He assumed that I'd said it in the heat of the moment and meant nothing by it. I hope he never finds out otherwise."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Now, how about lunch? I haven't eaten for hours, and I'm starving."

"So it takes being pregnant to finally make you eat properly does it?"

"Watch it, mister. I don't have to take that from you."

"Oh yes you do. After years of having to force you to eat I'm entitled to a little jibe when I finally don't have to. Call it a perk of the job."

"You're not my first officer anymore."

"So, I'm owed a few perks. I didn't get them back then."

"I get the picture, so what have you got to eat?"

"Is pasta with vegetables OK again?  I haven't had time to get much in yet, but I can go now if you'd prefer something else."

"Pasta will be fine, and if you don't watch it you'll be about as popular as Mark as far as coddling me is concerned."

"Sorry, Kathryn, it's just…"

"I know, you just want to look after me."

"I'll go cook the pasta."

"Want some help?"

"You may say you can cook, but I remember the last time I let you help me in the kitchen.  'Disaster' doesn't even begin to describe it."

"Hey, it wasn't that bad!"

"Bad enough for me to know better now.  If you want to help set the table or something."

"Yes sir!"

***

A little later, and both feeling extremely full, Kathryn and Chakotay sat curled on the sofa.  Although Chakotay was now happy to kiss Kathryn in her present state he was still uncomfortable with the idea of taking it any further, so for the first time since they had met up again they found themselves having to think about something to do.  They had spent the majority of their time talking since Kathryn had arrived, which now left them enjoying a comfortable silence and with plenty of time to think.  Chakotay was still in a slight state of shock from Kathryn's arrival that afternoon.  He had never even considered the possibility of Kathryn and Mark having children, which as things were now was probably a disadvantage to him.  Having not even been prepared for the possibility the shock had been all the greater when it had actually happened.  It suddenly occurred to him that deep down he had still expected he and Kathryn to end up together, and one day have children of their own.  How he had ever expected this to happen he had no idea - he loved Helen dearly, and would never leave her.  That didn't change what he had thought though, and it was disturbing.  But it didn't matter anymore - the final nail had been put in that coffin, that fantasy was finally dead.  He and Kathryn would never be together, not properly.  With a child in the equation it just wasn't an option.

Kathryn could sense that Chakotay had still not completely recovered.  She thought back over how it had all happened, wondering if there was any way she could have told him to make it easier.  She came up with a complete blank, perhaps not surprisingly.  There wasn't anything she could have done.  She thought back five, six years, to the last few months of their time aboard Voyager.  How many times had she looked at him from across a room, seen him with Naomi or one of the other children, and imagined that it was their child he was with, that they had created that life together.  If someone had told her that now, all these years later, she would be lying in Chakotay's arms carrying Mark's baby, she would have thought they were crazy.  She would have locked them up and had them under 24-hour medical observation.  But it had happened, that was exactly the position she was in now, and she'd be lying to say she had no regrets about it.  She hated to think that about her own child, her own flesh and blood, but she wasn't completely happy.  She had meant what she had said both to Chakotay earlier and to Mark - she did wish that the baby was Chakotay's.  But sometimes wishes don't come true.

As the evening wore on Kathryn grew increasingly tired, and it wasn't long before she decided it was time to go to bed.

"Chakotay."

"Hmm?"

"It's getting late, I think we should think about going to bed."

"You're probably right.  Just let me find some blankets, then it's all yours."

"What's all mine?"

"The bed."

"Chakotay?"

"I'm sleeping on the couch, you'll have more space that way."

"I don't want more space, and I won't take your bed."

"Well I'm not sleeping there, so if you don't it'll be a whole big waste of space."

"What's gotten into you?"

"What do you mean?"

"All this 'sleeping on the couch' business, giving me 'space'.  It's not me that needs the space, is it, it's you."

"I don't know what you mean."

"You may say that you're giving me the bed so I can have more room, be more comfortable, you may even believe that that's your reason, but you just don't want to share a bed with me in this condition.  That's what's wrong with you."

"Think what you like, I'm going to sleep.  OK?"

"OK."

"Fine."

"Fine, whatever.  Goodnight."  Kathryn fled into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed before Chakotay could see her eyes welling up with tears.

***

After a restless night Kathryn awoke to an empty cottage.  The blankets Chakotay had used the previous night were folded neatly and lying on the end of the couch, but Chakotay himself was nowhere to be found.  Kathryn walked over to the window and peered out of the net curtain.  The skies were clear, and the Sun was beating down illuminating the colours of the surrounding countryside to provide a magnificent view, but Kathryn couldn't see the one thing, the one person she was looking for.  The gardens surrounding the cottage were as empty of Chakotay as the cottage itself.  And Kathryn felt guilty.

She should never have come, not this year.  Things were different now.  She was pregnant, her life was going to change like never before, sacrifices were going to have to be made and she knew that her weekends with Chakotay should be one of them.  She had known that before she had come, but it hadn't stopped her.  And now she'd done this to him, not only was she pregnant by another man but she was parading it around in front of him.  She was rubbing his nose in it.  No wonder he had escaped for while.  He obviously needed some time to himself, so she'd let him have it.  He'd be back when he was ready, and then they could talk.  Really talk.  Kathryn had thought he was alright with it all last night, until he'd insisted on sleeping on the couch, alone.  Now she could see that he was hurting.  Badly.

***

Lunchtime came and went, but Chakotay didn't notice.  He had been out wondering around the woodlands for hours, thinking about his life since he had first met Kathryn Janeway.  He was trying to lay to rest all the ghosts, all the 'might have been's, because he now knew once and for all that that was all they were.  He still loved Kathryn, still wanted to see her every year just as they had these last few years, but in order to do that he had to accept her pregnancy and what it meant to Kathryn, to him, and to Mark.

But what bothered Chakotay the most was that even Kathryn had said that she wished this baby was his.  He couldn't help but think that they had all made a big mistake.  He tried to pinpoint the one moment when it all went wrong, the one moment in time that he and Kathryn started to move away from each other.  He tried to pin it to the day he told her he wouldn't be joining her on Voyager, but even that didn't seem to fit.  Things hadn't been right long before that, they just hadn't recognised it in order to sort it out.  Maybe if they had, they wouldn't be in this mess now.

As he emerged into a clearing Chakotay sat down with his back up against a fallen log.  Once he had stopped moving he realised how tired he was and so decided to stay put for a little while before heading back.  He hadn't intended to spend so long away from Kathryn, but time had slipped away from him as his thoughts had circled round inside his head.  Closing his eyes, he tried to find the feeling of peace that he had been missing since Kathryn walked into the cottage the previous evening.  He must have had some success, because before long he was fast asleep.

***

By mid-afternoon Kathryn was getting worried.  Chakotay still wasn't back, and if she left it much longer it would start to get dark and she wouldn't have a hope of finding him in countryside she was unfamiliar with.  So before she could argue herself out of it she picked up her coat and headed outside.

Her first decision was which way to turn as she emerged into the road.  In one direction the road headed towards the restaurant they had met in two years ago, and in the other direction it lead towards a beautiful woodland area.  Deciding that he probably wouldn't have wanted to go near the restaurant, Kathryn headed off towards the woodlands.  From there there weren't too many decisions to make.  There was really only one path leading throught the area, and she wasn't going to stray from that as she wasn't sure she'd be able to move all that quickly in her condition.  And moving quickly was her priority.  Chakotay had had a head start of more than several hours, so Kathryn knew she'd have to move quickly if she was going to have any chance of catching up with him.  She was relying on a hope that Chakotay had only been wondering along aimlessly, and therefore unlikely to have been keeping up anything like his normal pace.  Luckily, she wasn't to be disappointed.

After less than an hour following the woodland path Kathryn emerged into a clearing in which she could clearly see a well-built male body slouched against a fallen log.  Now on firmer ground she picked up her pace as she made her way over to him, anxious to make sure he wasn't hurt.  In the physical sense, anyway.  As she grew closer she realised he was just asleep, and she slowed her pace a little so as not to wake him suddenly.  Kneeling down beside him, she stroked his brow and called his name in little more than a whisper.

"Chakotay.  Chakotay, can you hear me?  Chakotay, it's me, Kathryn.  You've been gone all day, I was worried about you."

"Kathryn?"

"Yes, I'm here.  Are you okay?"

"What time is it?"

"Actually, I'm not sure exactly, but it's well after lunchtime.  How long have you been out here?"

"I left the cottage at dawn.  I just...needed time to think."

"I understand, I've thrown quite a lot at you this weekend.  Are you ready to come back now?"

"I think so.  There's just one thing I still haven't worked out."

"What's that?"

"Where did we go wrong?"

"I don't know, Chakotay.  I don't know."  Kathryn slowly rose to her feet and offered her hand to Chakotay to help him up.  He took it and didn't let go, as they made their way together back to the house.

***

After a quiet dinner the troubled couple were once again to be found curled up together on the sofa.  There were many wounds to heal and both knew that it was going to be a long and shaky process, but at the same time it was a process that both of them were fully committed to.

They spent their time talking about the small details of their lives over the past year, although Kathryn was careful to include a large quota of the time before she had found out she was pregnant.  She thought if she could just let Chakotay forget for a while...hell, if she could just forget for a while, then things could be like they were before, even if it were make believe, even if it were just for a few hours.  But as bedtime drew near she felt an overwhelming urge to be near him, to keep him close to her through the night.  She couldn't explain it, but the thought of spending a second night alone in his bed was more than she thought she could handle.  Suddenly it was important that she know, right now, just what his intentions for tonight were.

"Chakotay, are you planning on spending another night on the sofa?  Because, I don't think I could handle that.  This weekend is supposed to be for us, but so far all we seem to have succeeded in doing is hurting each other.  Well, me hurting you in particular.  I know this is unfair, but I don't want to look back on this weekend and only remember the strain.  I want something positive to remember."

"Kathryn I can see where you're coming from, but I just don't know.  I mean, well..."

"I don't want to pressure you, I'm sorry..."

"No Kathryn, I'm sorry.  You're right, this weekend is for us to enjoy some time together and we haven't done that.  We'll move to the bedroom, together."  Leaning over to kiss Kathryn and then pulling her with him they moved through the bedroom doors, and upon reaching the bed they proceeded to undress each other ready for bed.  Climbing under the covers and holding each other tight Chakotay heard a quiet but heartfelt sentence from his companion.

"Goodnight, Chakotay, and thank you.  I love you."

***

"Chakotay, wake up."

Kathryn reached out to gently shake him by the shoulder, but there was no conscious response.  He just rolled over and snuggled into the covers a little more as she spoke.

"Chakotay, please, wake up.  We have a problem.  Come on Chakotay, please."

"Kathryn, what is it?  It's the middle of the night."

Chakotay turned to face Kathryn to get his answer only to find her unable to speak, as another contraction ripped through her body.  The expression of pain on her face told him exactly what was going on and he leapt out of bed in an instant.

"Kathryn, we have to get you to a doctor, and what's Mark's contact address?  We need to call him."

"No!  Not Mark, he can't find out where I am."

"Kathryn, you're about to give birth to his child, don't you think that at this point it's a little late to be worrying about where you are?"

"He won't care about where I am, I'm more concerned about who I'm with."

"We'll get you to a hospital, and I'll leave before he arrives.  He'll never have to know I was there."

"No Chakotay, I need you."  She grabbed for his hand just as another contraction caused her to cry out in pain, and her waters broke.

"Kathryn, how long have you been in labour?  Things seem to be moving just a little quickly."

"I know, and I promise you I woke you up as soon a I realised what was going on."

"I'm going to contact the hospital, then you are going to tell me how to contact Mark."  Chakotay walked out into the main living area of the cottage before Kathryn could protest further, and opened a communication via the local hospital's emergency channel.

*Yes sir, how can I help you?*

"I have a woman here in labour, it's all moving very quickly and I need to get her to the hospital.  Could you arrange for a transport over there?"

*Hang on sir, I'll just get one of our doctors to speak to you.*  The image of the woman Chakotay had been speaking to was briefly replaced by the hospital's logo before the face of an exhausted looking young doctor appeared onscreen.

*How long since the contractions started?*

"I'm not sure, but her labour is progressing far more rapidly than you would expect, especially for a first child.  She's fully dilated, and her waters have broken."

*She's too far along for me to be happy transporting her when it's not absolutely necessary.  Are you the father?*

"No, a friend."

*Well I hope you're a good friend.  Have you ever delivered a baby before?*

"No, you can't be asking me to..."

*You're going to have to.  I'll get a doctor out to you as soon as possible but right now we're a little busy here, there's no-one free.  As soon as the baby's born we can transport mother and child straight to our maternity unit, but until then I need you to do everything as I'm about to tell you.*  The doctor speaking on the other end of the transmission then proceeded to tell Chakotay exactly what he was going to have to do to deliver Kathryn's baby, and Chakotay's command insticts took over as he planned everything in his head.  As he terminated the transmission he headed back to the bedroom ready to confront the issue of contacting Mark.  But first, he had to tell Kathryn that the hospital was not an option.

"Kathryn, I spoke to a doctor and he doesn't want to move you, you're too far along.  I'm going to have to deliver the baby.  Now tell me how to get hold of Mark."

"No!  No way.  He is definitely not going to be here if you are.  He'd find out that we've been seeing each other, it would destroy him.  We agreed, we both want our marriages to work.  Mark doesn't come."

"Kathryn, what on Earth are you going to tell him?"

There was a pause as Kathryn cried out with another contraction before she could reply.

"I don't know what I'll tell him, but I'll think of something."

"Are you sure?  He's going to miss his own child's birth."

"Better that than lose his trust in his wife, his faith in his marriage.  I'll think of something, don't worry.  It'll be alright as long as you help me through this."

"Of course I will Kathryn, of course I will."

***

A little over an hour and a half later and Kathryn lay exhausted in the bed, cradling her new baby daughter in her arms.  After staying long enough to check that Kathryn and the baby were alright Chakotay had retreated to the sofa in the other room, needing a little time alone to come to terms with what had happened.  The doctor would arrive soon to make sure everything was okay, after which time mother and daughter were to be transported to the hospital.  Chakotay would not be going with them, but he had to put on the performance of friend and nothing more when the doctor arrived at the cottage.  The same doctor would no doubt be seeing Mark once he was contacted and they didn't want any stray comments to alert Kathryn's husband to just who she had been with when she gave birth.

Deciding he had to say his goodbyes to Kathryn now, whilst they could still speak freely, he walked through to the bedroom.

"Kathryn, how is she?"

"She's fine, sleeping."

"Do you have a name?"

"Yes, we decided on Hannah for a girl.  Hannah Keely."

"Hannah Keely Johnson.  Sounds good."

"I'm so sorry Chakotay, for putting you through all this.  She should have been yours, things were never meant to happen this way."

"Maybe they were.  We don't know, we never will.  And Hannah is Mark's child, not mine, we'll both do well to remember that and try not to wish it had happened any other way.  We just have to enjoy what we have together when we have it, if we keep wishing for more we won't appreciate what we've got."

"You're right."

"When are you going to contact Mark?"

"This afternoon, when Jackie and Kathryn have gone.  It'll give me more time to sort out what I'm going to say to him."

"The doctor's going to be here any minute now."

"I know.  We should say goodbye, shouldn't we."  Kathryn laid Hannah down on the bed beside her and got up to stand in front of Chakotay.  "I'll still be back next year.  Hannah will have to stay with Mark to meet her sister, so I can still come as normal.  I love you, Chakotay."

"I love you too, Kathryn.  And we'll see each other same time, next year."

Kathryn reached up to give Chakotay a gentle kiss, and as she pulled away there was a knock at the front door.  Their weekend together was over.

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To be continued...

On to Part Five