Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and all characters therein belong to Paramount. No infringement is intended by their use in this story.

Summary: A series of confessions lead to happiness on the most romantic night of the year.

Shattered Resolutions
By LauraJo
Rated G, January 2001
E-mail: laura@laurajo.net

After a busy shift the mess hall was surprisingly empty as Chakotay and B'Elanna entered to have their evening meal. Picking up some of Neelix's latest concoction from the serving counter on the way, they found a quiet table in the corner where they could talk uninterrupted.

"So, did you make any resolutions?"

"Resolutions?" Chakotay replied in a voice whose tone implied he was only half listening to what B'Elanna was saying.

"Yeah, you know, New Year. We had that big party the other night. Champagne, party poppers, Tom got..."

"Yes, I know what happened to Tom."

"So you remember the party."

"Of course I do."

"In that case I'll ask again - did you make any resolutions?"

Hesitantly at first, Chakotay began to talk. "Actually, I did. One, but an important one." He lowered his voice as he spoke in an attempt to make absolutely sure no one else could hear him. "It's about Kathryn."

"The Captain?"

"Yes."

B'Elanna's interest was piqued, and she just had to ask something which had been eating away at her and many others for years. "It's true, isn't it? What everyone's been saying all these years is true."

"That all depends on what they've been saying."

"That you love her, but that she doesn't feel the same way."

Chakotay paused briefly before replying. "That's pretty much it. She has her reasons for wanting to keep things the way they are, and I respect those reasons. I always have."

B'Elanna got the feeling that he hadn't agreed with everything she had said, that maybe the Captain *did* feel something for him and he knew it, but she kept quiet.

"Anyway," Chakotay continued, "my resolution was to move on with my life. I love Kathryn, and I think I always will, but I know that I can't live in a fantasy that will never happen. I have to live my life without wondering if every special day we share is finally going to lead on to something else. I have to leave myself the chance of finding happiness with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not set on roaming this ship until I find someone else, I'm not going to deliberately look for a replacement. It's just that I'm not going to avoid other relationships either."

"You've really thought this one through." Much as B'Elanna wanted her commanding officers to be together, whilst listening to Chakotay speak something had struck home and she could see this was the right thing for him to do.

"I've had a long time to consider it. I have to be happy, and I think this way there's a chance that I can be."

"You've always seemed happy up until now."

"I have been; that didn't come out right. I want the chance for a wife, a family, and I'm not going to get that with Kathryn. So, I resolved to put that part of my life behind me. She'll always be my best friend, but that's all she'll be."

"Well, good luck. Kahless, when I asked about resolutions I didn't expect this! I really hope it goes well for you."

"It will. I can be as stubborn as Kathryn if I put my mind to it. Or you, come to think about it!"

The two friends shared a laugh at B'Elanna's expense before she went on to tell Chakotay about her own New Year's resolutions. Neither of them noticed the solitary figure a few tables down, who had heard every word...

*****

Later that year, Earth-date February 14th

The party was in full swing by the time Kathryn arrived. Entering the holodeck she was pleasantly surprised by her surroundings - for once, Neelix had gone for simplicity. A simple hall, decorated with pale pink ribbons around the walls and silver balloons in each corner. Balloons also floated above each of the small, round tables that occupied the space around the dance floor. A long bar ran down one side of the room, near to which Kathryn saw Harry standing on his own. To his surprise, she decided to go and join him.

"Captain! I'm glad you could make it!"

"I had to see what Neelix had come up with this year. He's done well, the room looks wonderful."

"He has, he's been getting compliments all night."

"Maybe I'll steer clear for a while then; Neelix can be... no, I can't say that."

"Go on Captain, I won't tell anyone." Harry grinned at his Captain in encouragement.

"I was going to say he can be a little hard to take at times, and if he's been receiving compliments all night, well..."

"You have a point there!" Kathryn smiled back at Harry, enjoying the rare chance to chat to him like this. Despite the time they'd known each other, he still found it hard to leave the 'Captain' behind. "Would you like a drink? I was just thinking about getting one before you came over."

"Yes actually, a coffee would be nice."

The two of them moved over to the section of bar where the Doctor was serving, and Harry ordered their drinks. When he turned his attention back to Kathryn, she was staring out to the centre of the room.

"Looking for anyone in particular?"

Jolted out of her reverie, Kathryn replied "No, no, just looking."

Harry wasn't convinced, but he wasn't going to push it. "There's a good crowd here, I think we have almost everybody who's not on duty."

"You could be right, even Seven has put in an appearance." Kathryn nodded to where the former Borg drone was waiting for the Doctor to come back to her.

"She's spent all evening with him so far, the two of them get on well," Harry commented

"They do."

"And with Tuvok stuck on the bridge…"

The unlikely pair shared a conspiratory grin, interrupted by the arrival of their drinks. Kathryn took a long gulp of her coffee before laying it back down on the bar.

"That's better," she sighed.

"You sound like you haven't tasted coffee in a week!"

"I haven't, other than the substitute. My replicator rations ran out early this month." Harry tried to stifle a laugh. "It's okay, you can laugh; I would. You'd think I'd have worked out how to pace myself by now."

"Well at least it's a free bar tonight, you can drink as much of the stuff as you like."

"I'm actually not planning on staying that long." For the first time that evening Harry detected a note of unhappiness in his captain's demeanour.

"No?"

"No, I have some things to attend to."

"That's a shame."

"Hmmm…" was Kathryn's only reply, before Naomi Wildman came skipping up to them.

"Hi Harry! Hello Captain! Happy Valentines Day."

"And you, Naomi," replied Kathryn.

"Captain, I'm sorry to interrupt, but is it okay if I ask Harry something?"

"Of course Naomi, you go ahead."

Naomi turned her attention to the smiling Ensign, and all of a sudden came across as really shy.

"Harry, would you come and dance with me?"

Kathryn tried really hard not to smile too much as Harry said yes, and then excused himself from her company. Naomi was growing up so fast.

Left suddenly alone, Kathryn pulled herself up onto one of the high barstools and settled down with her coffee. Resuming her previous scan of the room she was acutely aware of just how many couples there were aboard Voyager this year. The dance floor was full of swaying couples, and a few more dotted the surrounding tables. Her eyes settled on Tom and B'Elanna, huddled together in the corner. B'Elanna's pregnancy was just starting to show, and she was radiant with it.

Then her eyes were caught by something in the periphery of her vision. Chakotay, dancing with a young lieutenant. She tried not to stare but found it almost impossible, as pangs of jealousy shot through her. Once upon a time that could have been her, but not anymore. The dynamic between them had changed, and both enjoyed the close friendship with no risk of anything more. Kathryn liked it that way, it was safe, but it didn't stop her from feeling uncomfortable at the thought of Chakotay finding someone else. She had a nagging suspicion it would always be that way.

Drawing on all of her self-control, Kathryn pulled herself together and jumped down from the barstool. If she was going to stick by her plan to leave early, she'd better start talking to a few people now. Making a beeline for Seven and the Doctor, she was on her way.

*****

An hour later, Harry, Tom and B'Elanna were gathered at one end of the bar, and were joined shortly afterwards by Chakotay who appeared slightly agitated.

"Has anyone seen the Captain?" Chakotay continued to scan the room as he spoke, hoping to find some sign of the petite woman in amongst the crowd.

"She left about ten minutes ago," replied Harry, "She told me earlier she had things to do, although I'm not sure I believed her. I thought she did the rounds before she left – didn't she catch you?"

"No." Chakotay was suddenly sure she hadn't even tried. As he walked away he muttered to himself, "I haven't seen her all evening."

He left the holodeck and made his way quickly to Kathryn's quarters. She may have left the party early, but he wasn't afraid of waking her up - he couldn't remember a time he had caught her in bed at such an early hour. She was a known insomniac, especially when she had something on her mind, and Chakotay would lay money on Kathryn being deep in thought about something tonight - namely, whatever had caused her to leave the party so soon and not say one word to him all evening. More than anything, he was worried about her. She had never blanked him at a ship's function before, not once in all their years together.

Arriving at her door he wasted no time about ringing the door chime. Kathryn answered straight away, and he entered to find her curled on the sofa with a book. On seeing whom her visitor was Kathryn placed the book on the coffee table and curled her legs up under her, indicating to Chakotay as she did so that he should take a seat on the other end of the sofa.

"Chakotay, I thought you'd still be at the party."

"I was, and I could have said the same about you. Which is why I'm here."

"Oh." Kathryn looked away, staring blankly out of the view port, while she spoke her next sentence. "I decided to leave."

"I noticed that."

The conversation was stilted, neither of them quite knowing what to say. Kathryn knew exactly why she was acting like this. Chakotay, on the other hand, didn't have a clue. As far as he was concerned, things had been fine between them. Only the night before the two of them had shared a pleasant evening exploring the mountain caves on Yesnid III, or rather a holographic representation of them. Now tonight, she had managed to attend the party without saying one word to him, then fled back to her own quarters long before the party even began to wind down. He was confused, and concerned.

"Kathryn, what’s wrong with you? It was a Valentine’s party, it’s supposed to be a time for celebration. Yet you apparently spent the whole evening moping around and then left instead of enjoying a night with your friends, people who love you."

"I couldn't handle it. Watching our crew, the lucky ones who've found love on this ship; everyone was so happy – dancing around, sharing jokes and memories of past romances. They don't realise, they have no idea… that being in love can be so lonely when you can't tell the other person how you feel." As Kathryn spoke her eyes were cast down, gazing blindly past her own knees.

Chakotay just stared back at her, then after a momentary confusion it dawned on him what she was talking about. "You could, Kathryn, you could always tell me."

"No. It wouldn't have been fair. How could I tell you how I felt when it wouldn't make any difference? I'm still the captain of this ship, that hasn't changed; all telling you would have achieved is making you even more miserable."

"How did you work that one out?"

"If you'd have known how I felt all these years but I'd still kept us apart, can you honestly say you'd have been happy about that?"

"Kathryn, I knew. I've always known." Kathryn's eyes snapped up to meet Chakotay's, and the energy between them was almost palpable.

"But your resolution..."

"You know about that?"

"I was in the mess hall, when you told B'Elanna. I heard everything. I don't generally listen in to other people's private conversations, but when I heard my name... I was rooted to my seat. I thought I should let you know I was there, but I just couldn't do it. I stayed put for twenty minutes after you had both left the room, then I almost ran back to my quarters. I cried for hours; but I understood. You did the right thing, it was the right decision."

"I'm starting to question that. I told you years ago you're not alone, and here you are more lonely than I've ever seen you."

"Chakotay, what are you saying?"

"I think that depends on what you're saying."

Kathryn didn't have an answer for that. They both knew that whatever she said would have an enormous impact on their lives. If Kathryn told Chakotay that his resolution should be upheld, she was as good as killing any future the two of them may have had. On the other hand, her only other option was to cross that last barrier now - she couldn't put him back into the situation of waiting in hope, not when he had finally gotten himself out of it. And it wouldn't just be crossing a barrier, it would be committing to a future. They were beyond the stage where they could try a relationship and go back on it if it didn't work. If she told him she wanted him, she may as well be proposing marriage.

But then maybe they had crossed that barrier years ago. In her heart she hadn't been able to see anything but a future with Chakotay for a very long time, and she was as certain as she could be that it was the same for him. They belonged together; perhaps it was time to admit it and move forward.

"I think I'm saying," began Kathryn, "or at least I hope I'm saying... that I love you."

At first Chakotay showed no reaction, and all Kathryn could do was reach out and hold his hand in hers. Then finally - as though the penny had finally dropped or a dam had finally been broken - he gathered her up into a crushing embrace, murmuring against her hair "Thank you Kathryn, I love you too Kathryn, you're never going to regret this Kathryn..."

The two of them held each other tight as the situation gradually sank in. This was it; their life together was beginning. Feelings rooted long ago were finally being allowed to roam free, and as they slowly drew apart to gaze into each other's eyes they each saw a love so profound it took their breath away. Their fates were sealed, and Chakotay's resolution torn to a million pieces, as the new couple shared a truly shattering kiss.

This was one St. Valentine's Day they would never, ever forget.

THE END

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